What Happened This Week in Washington 12/11/20

  1. Kiss Kiss, Fang Fang: Perhaps you’ve seen the old James Bond movie, “From Russia with Love”. Perhaps you’ve also heard Donald Trump has been accused of collusion with Russia for the better part of 4 1/2 years without a single shred of evidence. Maybe too, you remember Mr. Eric Sawlwell, Democratic representative from California (who also sits on the House Intelligence Committee), demonstratively asserting in 2016 that the President’s son, Don Jr., was an “agent of Russia”. And finally, I hope you have seen the Austin Power’s movie, “The Spy Who Shagged Me”. Because that’s exactly what was happening when Sawlwell was telling anyone who would listen that Don Jr. was a Russian agent–he was “colluding” and by that I do mean shagging an agent of the Chinese government. In allegations emerging this week, the agent, Fang Fang, or her “Don’t mind me I’m just a cute foreign exchange student come to see great America, wanna sleep with me?” name, “Christine Fang”, infiltrated U.S. politics with the intention of sleeping with ranking politicians in order to gain access to sensitive information on behalf of the Chinese government. Swalwell, a husband and father of two young children, claims he’s being unfairly targeted because, “I criticized President Trump”. I mean, naturally, right? It’s Trump’s fault you dropped your pants to a Chinese spy with a pretty face….”Don Jr. is without a doubt an agent of Russian. Hey Fang, wanna go to bed?”

2. Did Barr Know?: While the country learned this week that the much maligned, marginalized, and forbidden Hunter Biden email probe was actually under investigation by the FBI while Donald Trump was being impeached for asking about it, new details have emerged that Attorney General William Barr reportedly knew about the investigations and actively worked to prevent their disclosure to the public. Reports state Barr knew since at least the Spring and worked to conceal the grand jury investigation not only from the public, but from the President himself. Barr, who does a brilliant impersonation of some bizarre mutated offspring of Dopey the Dwarf and Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, of course has no comment. At this point it’s fair to ask why anyone should believe anything in politics anymore, or frankly, even care. We hand you our loyalty and you sprinkle it like dust over the birthday cake of your own gluttonous betrayal. And every day is your birthday.

3. Lone Star Litigation: Eighteen states have now joined Texas in the Lone Star state’s lawsuit to halt the electoral votes being cast for Biden in Michigan, Wisconsin, Georgia, and Pennsylvania. Trump has referred to this as “the Big One”. The states lending their name to the fight include
Missouri, Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Indiana, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah and West Virginia. Time is of the essence here, as the Electoral College is set to cast their determining ballots this coming Monday. In what could be the most pivotal moment in American history since the country ripped itself apart during the Civil War, all eyes will be on the Supreme Court this weekend to see if they will even agree to hear the case. Over the past four years the country has grown into a vicious, slanderous, bloodthirsty, and largely cartoonish schism, that has reached its fever pitch with the tumultuous and dubious results of the 2020 presidential election. As legions of Americans await the outcome, Trump supporters and crazed lesbians, superfluous social justice crusaders who couldn’t define the word justice if someone held a gun to what remains of their minds, black people who suddenly found themselves fashionable, women who see their abusive high school boyfriends in every word Trump says, teenage indoctrinated activists who last year were hawking make-up on Instagram, celebrities and athletes who believe in their million-dollar hearts that we all are ravenous to hear their political views, and Ocasio-Cortez’s opinion of herself, align on either side of a dark chasm riding like the Mississippi down the middle of America.